Where the fuck am I going?

In case you didn't hear yet, I gave notice on my apartment.

August 31st is my last day here.

I have ABSOLUTELY NO PLAN.

I mean, none.


I can't get another roommate here - it's too much to deal with. This space isn't good for two people who aren't a couple, and I will only ever see this as the place where I thought I was making a home as a couple, and thus it will never be "ok" with someone else here.

So that leaves me with a couple options:

I've gotten a go-ahead from my job for telecommuting if I live in Southern NJ or Northeastern PA - Northeastern PA involves living with my parents again.

I don't know if that's the right choice - it would certainly be cheaper, and I can bank some money and telecommute my job for a bit, which would mean lots of time in a single room with Tank and my work, staring me in the face constantly, 2 hours from my friends, my bars, my support network, and 2 minutes from my absolutely fucking insane family. But 2 hours from all of that means $575 more rent in my pocket each month.

There's also the possibility of telling my job I'm telecommuting from Northeastern PA, letting them do the setup there, and finding a room for rent here in the city. Something around 300-400/month, from which I would also telecommute, taking away that daily stress of being in my insane fucking office.

I think I'm seeing a pattern here - all of these things close to me are "totally insane." My entire life is built around craziness - I have a job that drives me insane, for an insane corporation. I have a family that drives me insane, and they're completely enmeshed in each other's lives.

I am actively seeking a new job - at a new company - no more internal promotions where I get screwed on my raise and end up making 62% as much as the person in my same position who is, quite frankly, 3% as effective as me.

But the search is not going well - I don't have a graduate degree, as I quit those programs... I am, to quote a friend, running SPINNING_WHEELS.EXE right now... I have a monster profile with potential locations as Miami, Orlando, Atlanta, New Orleans, New York, Southern NJ, Philadelphia, San Diego, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Portland, Puerto Rico, even Kansas City, MO - just about anywhere I think I might be able to live.

If I found another job in Philly, one that paid a bit more, I would keep this apartment. But it would need to be a job that pleased me - I can't work for corporate evil anymore. I remember when I had a passion for medicine and healthcare and psychopharmacology and neuroscience and receptor sites and mechanisms of action and LD50 for phenothiazines and writing huge papers on MDMA's attenuation of diazepam's attenuation of fear potentiation of startle and how everything seemed big and bold and bright and I would be helping people and making something different happen for others.

Now I work for a company that is Fortune 50 because of its shady business practices, and do everything I can not to try to figure out how to open the 29th floor windows of my office tower because hey, they let me expense my cell phone, right?

Fuck.

I think if I have to sit in that grey cubicle with the beige desk and the flat panel and the stupidly designed Microsoft Infopath forms that I have to keep filling out over and over again to submit problems that never get fixed because correcting errors would make us lose money I'm going to just scream.

So, right, that's why all of this change, I suppose...

I have absolutely no direction, except to which happy hour I need to be at to mitigate the sense of emptiness I get every day starting from the time I take my first 0.5mg of Xanax with GMO-free orange juice so my boss shouting in my ear on the morning Charlie's Angels-esque conference call doesn't completely make me spaz out.

I know life isn't supposed to be easy and fun all the time.
I know life requires management.
I know I need to put some wheels in motion...

But I'm fucking tired. I have been fighting my loss of self for over a year now, and I am exhausted.

I'm sure one of you wise motherfuckers out there in cyberland will read this rant about my quarter-life crisis and decide that I need to find some inner peace or something.

You can blow your inner peace out your ass. I'm running out of time, and running out of options, and something really has to give soon.

Now that I've firmly established myself as crazy...

So, if anyone knows of anyone in any of your deliciously cosmopolitan locales looking for an incredibly efficient, often brilliant, generally punctual, creative, meticulous, analytically-gifted young man who is more than willing to move across the country or across the globe to facilitate a big life reset, maybe pass me their info. Or pass them mine. Get us in contact.

K.

Thanks for reading.

also for birfday: Is there a Warholized-Golden Girls image that someone can have transferred to a shower curtain? That would be swell, thanks.

birthday list: http://ping.fm/VpDvz

Strike that, my honesTea bottle just told me: 'Vitality shows in not only the ability to persist, but the ability to start over.' - F. Scott Fitz.

sending Betty White to deal with the Ladder of Inference.

This training module should be titled' "OMG there's a black person next to me - does my desk have a lock?"

taking a required training that'll teach me about 'workplace diversity' - sexual orientation isn't mentioned anywhere

Noticing my between-tasks scores on Who Has The Biggest Brain are getting lower. That means it's better if I do -less- work, right?

fyi: Betty White is STILL sick of your shit.

exploring penn's public health graduate program website. getting more depressed.